November 15th, 2004

Current Music: Put the lime in the coconut Subject: The weekend. Time: 04:22 pm Current Mood: grateful

This, by far, has been one of the most laid back weekends I've had in a really long time. Today's rest day. So I'm planning to catch up on my sleep, knowing that there's nothing due this week. Joy ü Friday night, I spent it with sina Carlos, Zo, Robs, Steph, and Tov. That was really fun. Haha Japanese food buffet is the best ever! That really works when it comes to cheering up. Never fails. They know me well enough to know that. Hahaha ü Thanks for the food and the ride home Enz. Saturday night, watched my sisters soccer game..it was really sweet that she insisted I stay til the end cause she wanted me to watch her receive her medal. I didn't make it to play practice that day, but it was okay, I wouldn't have traded that for the world. I made it to the sale in San Antonio though, so that was fine too. Afterwards, I headed off to rockwell and met sina Gins in Seattles. I was so bored for two hours walking around the mall, and my phone was dead. When it miraculously turned on, I got a message from Gino, asking if I wanted to join them for a movie. They were in rockwell, and he sent it two hours ago. Haha talk about bad luck huh? But it was alright. I still got to see them for a bit after ü Yesterday Martin, Mac-my-brother, Monica, and I watched Incredibles..again. We took the last full show to stay up til late. Haha they slept over after. It was really fun catching up. I love those guys to bits. We stayed up til about 5am with all the corniest jokes you could ever imagine. For once, after a really long time, I fell asleep happy. I fell asleep without experiencing the before-sleeping-down you sometimes get after a nice night-out-with-your-friends-high. I guess it's cause I'm on my way to okay. I saw the happier things in life. Yeah, there was a time back there where I was in the deepest darkest hole and I thought I'd never find my way out. But hey, I did. Well, I'm close to at least. With my friends and family holding the flashlight for me, for sure, I'll be there in no time. Thanks guys, I love you all. More than you ever will know and more than I ever will show you in this lifetime. ü Sam, advanced happy birthday!

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November 4th, 2004

Subject: This struck me, big time. Speaking to me straight to my face, slapping me to wake up. Time: 10:55 pm Current Mood: good

Hey, hey. Did you ever think there might be another way? Just feel better, just feel better about today. Oh no, if you never wanna have to turn and go away, You might feel better, might feel better if you stay. Yeah, yeah. I bet you haven't heard a word I've said. Yeah, yeah. You've had enough of all your trying. Just give up your state of mind, you're in. If you wanna be somebody else. If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself. If you wanna be somebody else. Change your mind, change your mind. Hey, hey. Have you ever danced in the rain? Or thanked the sun? Just for shining, just for shining for the sea? Oh no, take it all in the world and show them yeah, You look much better, you look much better, In your glow. Yeah, yeah. I hope you've heard every word I've said. You've had enough of all your trying. Just give up your state of mind, you're in. If you wanna be somebody else. If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself. Change your mind, change your mind. Hey, hey. What you say? We both go and seize the day. Cause what you pay, what'd you pay, anyway? Yeah, yeah. I hope you've heard every word I've said. You've had enough of all your trying. Just give up your state of mind, you're in.

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November 3rd, 2004

Current Music: Tuck Andress - Man in the Mirror Subject: Shift. Time: 10:12 pm

I guess it really is just different when you're stuck in a rut. Like a wise friend once told me, "The stars are really cooler to look at when you're flat down on your back." But what if you've had enough of looking at those stars and you wish to just grab one of them for yourself. Let alone, have it forever? No, this is not about a certain "someone" or anything. It's simply about happiness. I miss being happy. Truly happy, for that matter. But how do you really know when you're "happy"? I don't think it's only when you're with your significant other, or your family, or your friends. I think it's when you're happy with yourself first. That's where it starts...right? I honestly don't know where I'm getting at. But what I want to say is that, those stars, well, I want one for myself. But then again, reading what I just wrote (without thinking, mind you) I see something. The stars really are cooler to look at flat down on your back. When you're lying down, yeah, you do feel the little prickly blades on your back, but you also feel the cool, fresh, feeling of the grass. Yeah, you'd probably get a stiff neck with one position of staring up, but who says you can't lie on your stomach and look up too? Sometimes, when it starts to rain, you can feel the cooling drops of water drip down on your tired face. And at special times, you get someone - a friend, to lie down beside you. Then you can talk about the funny shapes the clouds make, or the surreal constellations no one else has seen before. Then, that friend holds your hand, and helps you get up for a while before you decide to find a new spot to rest. And while you're standing, yeah, sure, that's not yet the stars, but hey, it's a few feet closer. :) PS. Talk about major paradigm shift.

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October 28th, 2004

Current Music: Dishwalla Subject: Wishes. Time: 09:22 am Current Mood: cynical

I was out the other day, and I saw you in your big black car. And I was waving as you passed me, cause I knew who you are. You had this look that of an angel, it was such a bad disguise. Did you think, for a second, I would not realize? Tripping out, falling down onto the ground. Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down. Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this.

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Subject: Center Aisle. Time: 08:56 am

Thank God I'm back in my car. Driving home...driving home. The air was thin and so cold, Back in there. It was my first time, Won't be my last time. And the questions rise, expectations fall, In light of it all. There aren't words to say, Words aren't remembered...but presence is. What crimes have you committed? Demanding such penance? Couldn't wait for five more minutes, for a cry for help. This room is so peaceful. This room is so quiet. And I hate the silence. And I can't walk the center aisle. I think about my brothers And how i just stood there. My hands in my pockets, And my heart in my throat. Thank God I'm back in my car. Driving home...driving home.

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October 27th, 2004

Current Music: Closing Time Subject: I think this one's for sure. Time: 11:43 pm Current Mood: uncomfortable

Nope, not anything else but this journal. Haha :) Merc told me the other day that I haven't updated my old one for over a year now. Haha ü Maybe it was cause I couldn't figure out the password after 5 months of not using it. Time time time. Yeah right. :p Anyway, well here's one now! And hopefully it will be of good use. Not now though, kind of in a state of I dunno how to say uhm, depression? Nah, that's too superlative. Sad maybe. Yeah, that's more like it. So I'll get back to this when I'm feeling much better. Til then, you guys take care. And I miss a lot of you more than you know. Quasi, lavsha. :) -dre.

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